Burning Down the House

I've spent the past hour out in the parking lot (no not trying to make rent). Someone was cooking dinner on the stove top, forgot about it, and when it was on fire threw it down the trash chute. I knew it was a real fire when all the cops showed up so I walked down the stairs and got dizzy as shit. I was discussing developments with several people and we all shared the consensus that somebody needed an ass whooping. One person in the group said "I can't even imagine it" and then I saw this movie play out in my head -'Oh my god, the bacon's on fire!' 'What do I do?' 'Throw it out! No! Not in the trash, get rid of it, throw it down the trash chute!', and they go jogging down 100 feet of hallway with a flaming pan to dump it down 12 floors onto a ton of garbage.

And I cracked up. It was hysterical. I acted it out for everyone and I was still laughing when I turned the corner of my floor and ran into Disco Britches who pulled a Margret Dumont, hoisting anchor and tossing his head to starboard, drawing into home port under full sail. I swear to god, do they not have gay men in Poland or is his wife missing part of her brain?

Better than teevee, not as good as sex. All in all, not a bad night.

Hot hot hot

It’s been hot in the Nation’s Blah. Wrath of God hot, end of the world here comes 2012 hot. I wonder if the New Agers started 2012, or if the studios were behind it to get people to go see hooge budget exploitation movies? It was so hot that when I went downstairs to feed the squirrels, they lay spread eagle down on the ground to eat the peanuts. Either that or they were just really glad to see me.

The needle and the damage done.

I saved a lost kitty from getting the needle! A little over three weeks ago a couple put up fliers for a lost cat. I’d seen a feline answering the description near the XX00 block of local neighborhood (note to self, look into ways teevee crime shows have introduced cop talk into the vernacular) so I called so say ‘Hey man, I saw your cat.’ I even tried to catch it once but it skedaddled. The fliers disappeared and after several days I didn’t think about it. Yesterday the property managers send out an email saying we found the cat, does anyone remember the number of the people who put the fliers out? I looked it up on my smell fone, called him and the prop man and saved.a.life. Now I know how doctors feel.

The mirrored ball stops spinning.

Last night Dick From Next Door (Indian name 'Sneezes Glitter') amped his bass and was dancing to the music of the spheres. I did what I said I would and this morning filed a complaint and sent the text messages with it. I was surprised by the severity of the property manager's response- usually there's a phone call first, then a meeting if the problem continues, followed by something in paper if there's still a problem, but they went straight to hollow point with a letter. I've seen one of those letters, too, they is oogly. Helvetica 12 point, lots of words in bold and underlined. Very shaming. If he does it again he's got 30 days probation or will be evicted. Yikes!

I guess it was the 16 Richard Simmons on acid texts that made them bitch slap him. They were creepy. When I was a little boy and planning my stalking, I always imagined Charlie's Angles would be hiding in the bushes and breaking in to leave love notes about ski weekends around a fire, and not some middle aged married guy. I mean yeah, Charlie was part of it, too, but he was on the phone so it wasn't weird or anything.

We hardly knew ye. Yet it was enough.

With all the party girls and teen wonders (Crotch Pack) that are currently under house arrest, I wonder if teenage girls are wearing fake ankle monitors they bought at the mall? And what do they call them- LiLohJack? Lindsay Lohan just got one that detects if she’s got alcohol in her system so she’s really screwed. Locked up in her mansion, only allowed out to go to court or church, she probably has to have her nails done in her living room and you know they can’t do a good job onsite. Try getting a full sized footbath through the front door sometime and you’ll see how she’s suffered. Having the state send you to your room can be brutal.

I might be wrong, but I bet a lot of black kids charged with selling crack don’t stand up in court and have the judge make the time out hand signal. Or get home and tweet about how the system is totally stacked against them.

Where's My Money, Bitch!

I got a letter from my 401k company today, one of those thin, single-page ones that mean something's up. One page letters from any institution are like getting calls in the night- never good news.

I thought maybe they were telling me that things had gotten so bad I owed them money, but all they wanted was for me to update my mailing address. I've been in my new apartment for five months and hadn't done it yet. They'd gotten my new address from the post office and the letter had a note of concern to it, much more so than when they wrote to let me know they'd lost half my money, and wanted me to correct this oversight at my earliest convenience. I don't know why they copped an attitude- I didn't write a huffy letter to them when they lost half my money and at first I wasn't going to do it. Let them sweat it out for a while, call the mail room a few times and see if anybody's heard from me. But then I thought the next letter I'd get would be them telling me they lost everything because, during an important business meeting to decide my financial future, they couldn't reach me since they didn't have my updated contact information, and it would come postage due.

So I signed onto the site and updated my address. Right before I logged off, next to the button, was a question asking me what I was looking for? and a search box. So I typed in 'pussy' but apparently that's not a service they provide. Which is a shame because I'm pretty sure it would be a popular and go a long way to making up for that losing half my cash thing.

Locked Cage Nerd Match

I've spent a big chunk of the past two weeks cataloging every book in the joint and breaking them down into general categories. Until the miracle happens and I win the lottery, I won't have a house big enough to accommodate the whole kit and caboodle (with what's in storage, 10K to 15k books). I've been thinking of ways to articulate the books so that similar themes are linked and I can get what I call 'straight shots'- reading a string of books on similar themes (like how to get blood out of wall-to-wall carpeting.) Dewey is more about placement on shelves and not particularly helpful, especially for a home lie-berry, so I've started tagging the hell out of the books, trying to link together as many of them as possible in as many ways as possible. My goal is to develop a Unified Theory of Everything, to be used for world domination. I'll need minions; applications are available upon request. Arise! Go forth an conquer! One of you pick up a double macchiato and bring it back to me. Work it out yourselves, you're world-dominater minions, dammit! Fine, you in the back, the new guy. Bring me a double macchiato and make sure this time they give you a sleeve! Just ask for it! NO! Wait. You're a minion; a valued, self-empowered pawn of my will. Demand it.